I was 16 years old when I got drunk for the first time. I went to a party with some friends, and they made me drink a lot, as it was my first experience, I didn't notice I was getting drunk until I couldn't walk by myself. Everything happened that night, the guy I trusted the more, turned out to be a jerk, he took advantage of the situation and grabbed my butt when we were walking down the street, I remember that and I get so angry again, I could move his hand off me about three times, but the 4th time he insisted I couldn't move anymore, so I kept feeling his hand on me without being able to do anything about it. What an awful experience!! I felt so helpless!!
After that I don't remember quite well, I got home super late, my mom got so mad she didn't speak to me for weeks, my sister told me it had been my fault what happened with that guy instead taking my side and thinking he didn't have the right to do anything to me, even if I was drunk and unable to defend myself.
I was a troubled teenager, and somehow, I liked getting drunk. By then I used to think a lot about death, and I had some problems with a drunken father, so I was mostly depressed, I lost a lot of weight cause I didn't feel like eating and I was sleeping almost all day long. Maybe because of that and after that one time, everytime I went to a party I managed to get drunk, but I made sure to be better by the time my parents picked me up, so they never noticed.
A year after, with some classmates, we would get drunk even in the afternoons, almost everyday. One day of the week one of our homes would be parent free, so we all used to go there and get super drunk, and leave just before the parents were back. I obviously started doing stupid things, missing classes for being hungover, dating one boy after another, cheating on them right on their faces, and I started to care less about the world.
I liked being drunk, I could laugh more, I could socialize better, but mostly because it made me forget about everything. When I was drunk I had no problems at all, I wasn't depressed.
Years went by, I was so depressed in some periods, in some others I was feeling good, but somehow alcohol was always there, mostly on parties or trips, and when my sister and I moved out to live together, alcohol became the protagonist once again. We would get drunk with friends, now at my own house, which was so great, but also, when I was alone with the computer, I used to drink a lot of beer. I used to like chatting and drinking all night long. Of course that affected my jobs, I used to be a terrible employee I accept it.
Then I moved to another city and, although I did drink beer, I was drinking less and when I got married and pregnant I quit alcohol during the pregnancy and 9 months after the baby was born. I didn't feel the urge to drink back then, I was happy, I had everything I needed, but life changes, people change, and my circumstances changed too, and soon I found myself playing in a band with much younger guys and drinking a lot again. We started on weekends, but after some time we would be drinking beer everyday again.
I would say back then it was for fun, but the truth is that I was trying to hide a very deep sadness that was killing me inside. Then I got heartbroken. I felt so bad I felt I couldn't handle it anymore, and I found this AA "farm" where they would also help depressed people, I voluntarily lived there for a few weeks and, of course, I didn't drink anything in there, but as soon as I came out everything got complicated again and beer was there for me.
This time, it was worse though, cause this time it was mixed with pills. The doctor said I could drink and take the pills before going to bed, but I guess he didn't consider I would do it on a daily basis, so they got mixed in my organism with terrible results.
The worst decitions in my whole life were taken then, the worst mistakes were made. That's when the boyfriend that stole everything appeared in my life, and well, you already know the story. But all my memories of those days are so confuse. I used to fight and scream everyday, I hit one guy in a gig, and a friend of the boyfriend that stole everything in my parking lot too, I was too agressive, with people and with myself too. I even stabbed the boyfriend that stole everything once, and I was trying to kill him!!! why?? I don't remember!!! In my mind, I was defending myself, but I'm not sure from what. Fortunately, I didn't kill him (fortunately???)
This one day, it was early in the morning and I was still so drunk, feeling awful, hating everything I had become, so I went out and walked and walked until I found the AA farm again. I knocked on the door and they received me. They knew me, they couldn't believe I was drinking like that. They helped me that day, gave me something to drink and a bed to sleep. When I woke up, one of them walked me home and offer me counseling and help, but the boyfriend that stole everything was home and kicked my helper out of the house and never allowed me to go there again. And I was so numb, intoxicated and torn appart that I just let him decide for me.
Then I tried to kill myself three times. Being drunk obviously, and maybe because of that I didn't succeed. One day after the last attempt I moved to another city, where I was supposed to have a good job and a new beginning. And it was like that for a couple of months, then I lost everything once again and I was so poor I couldn't afford beer, but whenever I had a little extra money, I would buy beer and get drunk while playing videogames.
Then the boyfriend that stole everything left me, all alone and broke, and then I got pneumonia. I was very sick in the hospital for 2 weeks, and then getting better at my parents' for 2 more weeks. I had to quit smoking and I had to quit drinking too, cause beer without smoking tasted weird!!!
Then my life got better. I moved back with my parents and got the right therapy. I got diagnosed to be bipolar, besides the borderline personality disorder, and I got the right meds. I started feeling well immediately. And now, I don't feel like drinking anymore. I like being sober, I don't want to kill my neurons as I wanted a few years ago, now I enjoy awareness and my brain working as it should. Now I see drunk people and I feel sorry for them, and I feel ashamed cause I was there once too, and I looked like that too, and I did what they do too, but not anymore.
I lived in hell, I went as low as it gets. Now I know life is not meant to be suffered, is meant to be enjoyed and I like it, and I don't want to miss a thing being drunk. Never again.
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