Music and friends

I've been soooo busy these days, learning new songs, rehearsing for hours, we are playing really soon and we still have pending songs and I've come to a point in which I learn a new song to forget another one =S But music is so great!! I love what I do, even after 4 hours of playing I still love it, and I love playing bass, I mean, I really love it. It's not like all those who ended up playing bass cause there were enough guitar players in the band, or because they couldn't learn to play the guitar, I chose bass since the very moment I heard its sound and I can't imagine myself playing something else.

Anyway, I also saw my therapist. We have been working on that " I don't like people" thing, and I discovered one of the reasons I don't want to make friends or keep friends.

Let's put it this way. What would I tell my old friends when they wanted to catch up on things??  Should I start with the part when I thought I was losing my mind?? or when I knew there was something wrong with me and nobody believed me?? or maybe when I had to go through the most difficult times in my life all alone?? when my marriage failed?? when I started drinking and lived in the AA farm?? when I locked myself home and didn't want to go out anymore?? or maybe with the "boyfriend that stole everything" episode. No, wait, the part of the 3 suicide attempts is way much interesting!!!

See?? talking about myself, my life is so not easy, and not because I have trouble with sharing, but because people don't understand those things, normal people at least. I've tried so many times to share how depressed I've been, and they just answer "oh yes, that happens to everyone"

and no!!! it doesn't happen to everyone!! I'm not talking about  being sad, I'm not talking about feeling like eating a whole box of chocolates and listen to ballads and cry for one night or too, I'm talking about feeling a black hole inside eating your whole being for no damn reason!!! I'm talking about feeling hopeless for over a year!!! I'm talking about getting tired of trying, I'm talking about prefering to die. Even now that I know I'm bipolar, even now that I'm on meds, I feel that way every now and then, and it is still really really difficult to cope with such a great sadness that has no reason to appear cause it comes from the brain, not from something that happened in your life.

People don't understand I'm affraid of going out either!!! It just doesn't make any sense to them and critizice me and think I'm making up excuses and I'm not.

So that's one of the reasons I avoid people, now I have to work on that and find the other reasons. Damn, There's still a loooong way ahead, If it wasn't because I do feel better now I would've already given up. Oh! And there's this brain tumor thing too, but that is another post material.