Booze

I didn't write anything for days, because I didn't know what to talk about. Acohol or depression?? But after a lot of thinking, I decided to talk about alcohol, which is the beginning of everything.

I was 16 years old when I got drunk for the first time. I went to a party with some friends, and they made me drink a lot, as it was my first experience, I didn't notice I was getting drunk until I couldn't walk by myself. Everything happened that night, the guy I trusted the more, turned out to be a jerk, he took advantage of the situation and grabbed my butt when we were walking down the street, I remember that and I get so angry again, I could move his hand off me about three times, but the 4th time he insisted I couldn't move anymore, so I kept feeling his hand on me without being able to do anything about it. What an awful experience!! I felt so helpless!!

After that I don't remember quite well, I got home super late, my mom got so mad she didn't speak to me for weeks, my sister told me it had been my fault what happened with that guy instead taking my side and thinking he didn't have the right to do anything to me, even if I was drunk and unable to defend myself. 

I was a troubled teenager, and somehow, I liked getting drunk. By then I used to think a lot about death, and I had some problems with a drunken father, so I was mostly depressed, I lost a lot of weight cause I didn't feel like eating and I was sleeping almost all day long. Maybe because of that and after that one time, everytime I went to a party I managed to get drunk, but I made sure to be better by the time my parents picked me up, so they never noticed. 

A year after, with some classmates, we would get drunk even in the afternoons, almost everyday. One day of the week one of our homes would be parent free, so we all used to go there and get super drunk, and leave just before the parents were back. I obviously started doing stupid things, missing classes for being hungover, dating one boy after another, cheating on them right on their faces, and I started to care less about the world.

I liked being drunk, I could laugh more, I could socialize better, but mostly because it made me forget about everything. When I was drunk I had no problems at all, I wasn't depressed.

Years went by, I was so depressed in some periods, in some others I was feeling good, but somehow alcohol was always there, mostly on parties or trips, and when my sister and I moved out to live together, alcohol became the protagonist once again. We would get drunk with friends, now at my own house, which was so great, but also, when I was alone with the computer, I used to drink a lot of beer. I used to like chatting and drinking all night long. Of course that affected my jobs, I used to be a terrible employee I accept it. 

Then I moved to another city and, although I did drink beer, I was drinking less and when I got married and pregnant I quit alcohol during the pregnancy and 9 months after the baby was born. I didn't feel the urge to drink back then, I was happy, I had everything I needed, but life changes, people change, and my circumstances changed too, and soon I found myself playing in a band with much younger guys and drinking a lot again. We started on weekends, but after some time we would be drinking beer everyday again. 

I would say back then it was for fun, but the truth is that I was trying to hide a very deep sadness that was killing me inside. Then I got heartbroken. I felt so bad I felt I couldn't handle it anymore, and I found this AA "farm" where they would also help depressed people, I voluntarily lived there for a few weeks and, of course, I didn't drink anything in there, but as soon as I came out everything got complicated again and beer was there for me. 

This time, it was worse though, cause this time it was mixed with pills. The doctor said I could drink and take the pills before going to bed, but I guess he didn't consider I would do it on a daily basis, so they got mixed in my organism with terrible results. 

The worst decitions in my whole life were taken then, the worst mistakes were made. That's when the boyfriend that stole everything appeared in my life, and well, you already know the story. But all my memories of those days are so confuse. I used to fight and scream everyday, I hit one guy in a gig, and a friend of the boyfriend that stole everything in my parking lot too, I was too agressive, with people and with myself too. I even stabbed the boyfriend that stole everything once, and I was trying to kill him!!! why?? I don't remember!!! In my mind, I was defending myself, but I'm not sure from what. Fortunately, I didn't kill him (fortunately???) 

This one day, it was early in the morning and I was still so drunk, feeling awful, hating everything I had become, so I went out and walked and walked until I found the AA farm again. I knocked on the door and they received me. They knew me, they couldn't believe I was drinking like that. They helped me that day, gave me something to drink and a bed to sleep. When I woke up, one of them walked me home and offer me counseling and help, but the boyfriend that stole everything was home and kicked my helper out of the house and never allowed me to go there again. And I was so numb, intoxicated and torn appart that I just let him decide for me. 

Then I tried to kill myself three times. Being drunk obviously, and maybe because of that I didn't succeed. One day after the last attempt I moved to another city, where I was supposed to have a good job and a new beginning. And it was like that for a couple of months, then I lost everything once again and I was so poor I couldn't afford beer, but whenever I had a little extra money, I would buy beer and get drunk while playing videogames.

Then the boyfriend that stole everything left me, all alone and broke, and then I got pneumonia. I was very sick in the hospital for 2 weeks, and then getting better at my parents' for 2 more weeks. I had to quit smoking and I had to quit drinking too, cause beer without smoking tasted weird!!! 

Then my life got better. I moved back with my parents and got the right therapy. I got diagnosed to be bipolar, besides the borderline personality disorder, and I got the right meds. I started feeling well immediately. And now, I don't feel like drinking anymore. I like being sober, I don't want to kill my neurons as I wanted a few years ago, now I enjoy awareness and my brain working as it should. Now I see drunk people and I feel sorry for them, and I feel ashamed cause  I was there once too, and I looked like that too, and I did what they do too, but not anymore. 

I lived in hell, I went as low as it gets. Now I know life is not meant to be suffered, is meant to be enjoyed and I like it, and I don't want to miss a thing being drunk. Never again.

The boyfriend that stole everything

I was talking to my therapist about the fact that I don't like people and that I want them as far from me as possible, and then I thought I didn't use to be like this. I used to like being around with people, so, when did this start?? what happened to me?? and then I remembered "the boyfriend that stole everything" and what he did to me.

I had met this guy a few years before, and i had thought he was cute, just saw him once. After that we waved at each other several times while driving our cars, he got fat and I didn't like him anymore. But this one day, I had just broken up with someone I really loved and who hurt me a lot and I was getting drunk with some friends at the tatoo studio, and he showed up. He was thin again and he seemed very happy to see me there. We started talking and a few days later he was already my boyfriend. I was very happy, cause being with him helped me not to thing about the other one, and kept sadness away from me.

Those were hard times for me back then, cause I was taking some pills that shouldn't be taken with alcohol, but the doctor told me I could drink and just before going to bed, I could take my pills. But I guess my doctor didn't consider I drank everyday, and now that I'm sober I can see those pills mixed with alcohol did affect my judgement back then.

So being high almost all day long and feeling safe with him led me to do a series of stupid things. He moved in with me, a few weeks after we started dating and suspiciously enough, some things started to disappear, specially money, but he managed to convince me I was sleepwalking and taking the money and getting rid of it. So I thought it was all my fault!!!

Some other things disappeared from my house. The most expensive toys, my son's money, my videocamera, my dvd, my digital camera, but I didn't realize untill it was too late. I was so numb back then, I regret that now.

His son stole my car while I was in another city, and of course, crashed it. And he begged me to not go to the police, he promised he would pay all the expenses and fix the damages of both cars. Of course he didn't!!! and when I was about to lose my car, I had to borrow a lot of money from my parents, money he promised he would pay, and yes, he never payed.

We both moved to another city, where I was supposed to have a better job, but instead, the company broke and I got left there with no job and no money. He said he would get a job, and he actually said he had gotten jobs, but what a coincidence!! just before getting paid he was suspiciously fired!!!

We were so broke, sometimes we would only eat one piece of bread and beans, and some days, he would come home with a little money, he would say to me he borrowed it from some friends. I didn't notice he was selling the few things I had left!!!

But the last thing he did was telling me his son had an emergency and that he had to send him a large amount of money to save him from some drug dealers. It was exactly the same amount he was supposed to receive from the last "job" he said he had gotten. Mmmmmm, suspicious right???

So I called his family and, as I thought, they didn't knew anything about any drug dealers, so I knew he was lying to me, and I told him not to send that money away, cause we needed it to pay rent. I told him I would never forgive him if he sent the money. He said he wouldn't, but when the time to go claim the check came, he just appeared with a suitcase and told me he had sent the money and that he was leaving.

I was shocked. Just in front of my eyes I saw him cross the door, leaving me with no money at all, not even a few cents to buy a cigarette!!! Then I thought, I had a little money in the bank that I had saved to pay part of the rent, but soon I discovered he had also stolen my debit card and the money was gone too.

I remember that day I went into the bathroom, into the shower, sat on the floor and hid my head behind my knees and cried. I cried a lot. I was so scared to go out and face my new reality. I was there, in a new unknown city, all alone, with no money at all, with no place to go, with nobody to ask for help. I was so scared, I was petrified.

My parents helped me, they sent me some money to pay my debts. Later on I discovered all the things that were gone, all of them obviously sold by him. But the truth is that emotionally, I never recovered from that experience. I managed to lock myself inside my house, and months later, inside my bedroom, and would just go out quickly to the store to buy some groceries. I got completely isolated from the world outside.

It's been three years since then. I still don't like going out. I avoid it as much as I can, and I just feel comfortable if my Lion King goes with me. I don't like answering the phone, or the door, and I don't socialize with anybody. I don't like people and I want them away from me. The only way I can comunicate is by texting or chatting online, and obviously, I can't get a job because of that.

So the boyfriend that stole everything stole something else, he stole my confidence, he stole my trust... he stole me. And I'm still trying to recover.

So in love again =)

There were a lot of days off this month, specially for kids at school and, since my Lion King and I don't have normal working schedules, we managed to go camping last weekend, from Sunday to Wednesday.

I had one of the best weekends ever, we had so much fun, despite all the noisy people!! It was so great we didn't want to come back ;-)

But the greatest thing is that I began feeling so much in love with my lion king again. He had done a few things that I didn't like at all, and I had been feeling kinda weird about him, I mean, love was always there, but that overwhealming love that makes you smile every time you think about that special person had been gone. But after these few days together, I started feeling the same way once again. I feel totally full of him, I think of him all the time, I feel so happy when I see him, I want to hug him all day long and sleep by his side. I look at him and I see perfection and I so want to squeeze him between my hands.

I don't want this feeling to go away anymore, and I trust he won't do anything to disappoint me. Hopefully, we will living together soon =D

Stay away from me!!

I had to go to the kid's school for a mother's day breakfast, the children were going to sing all the moms songs too. So I called this old friend (kind of ex friend, actually) whose child is in the same school, so we could go together. And we did. We had breakfast and we saw our kids sing. We had a good time after all.

But the thing is that there were lots and lots of moms there, some of them look much older than me, but some of them should be even younger than me, but somehow, I see them as if they were absolutely different to me, not only because they look totally different from me, but also as if they were some kind of weird aliens. Or maybe, as if I were some kind of weird alien.

My hair is blue, and I wear 18 piercings in both ears and face. I don't wear high heells, nor "normal" clothes, I wear black clothes most of the time. Therefore, I understand all of them sometimes give me weird looks, but I don't really care!! Instead, I feel proud of being different and I walk among them with my head up and very secure of myself. I like that feeling.

Then the question is, why can't I socialize??? I was thinking all the time during the event about my "homework" of analizing my thoughts when I don't want anything to do with people, and this time I did pay attention to my thoughts. I can say, then, that I'm not scared of them, that i definitely don't fear they could critizice me, that I don't care if they talk about me, and I don't think they can hurt me in any way. But then, what is it that I feel??

I'd say I just want them away  from me. I don't like them, I find them kind of stupid and ridiculous, and I don't want to mix with them. I want them not to invade my space. I don't need to talk to anybody to be happy anywhere. I'm happy with my own thoughts. I don't need them.

I wonder if that's the answer my therapyst needed. I guess I'll find out on Wednesday. In the meantime, I'm going on vacations!!! yeiiiii !!! We are going camping, the kids and my lion king, and I hope we have a great time. I'll be back on Wednesday =D

SCARY!!!!!

Follow this link, it's worth it!!! hahaha, I just loved it =D


http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2bHto8/comic.naver.com/webtoon/detail.nhn%3FtitleId=350217&no=31&weekday=tue

The most painful stuff

so yes, it was mother's day and yes, I did have a good time, but not everything around is that great.

When I moved back here, I started therapy, I was a total mess back then; so insecure, so quiet, my relatioship with my parents was terrible, etc. And little by little we have been working on all those things and my life has been getting better and better. My mom and I get along much better, I've learnt a lot of things I have to do to raise my child, and some others I don't have to do, I've learnt to forgive some people, I've learnt to not take everything personal, etc. To make it shorter, I have learnt a healthier way of thinking and thus, my life has become healthier too. But we have come to a point in which all the things that are, to a certain point, superficial, have been fixed, the last two sessions were like "mmmmm I don't have anything else to say" and now, if I really want to be much better, I have to start talking and working on the most painful stuff.

I know I have to talk about "that" thing I can`t even mention, I know, cause otherwise, my sexual life won't be healthy, I have to talk about that "animal" thing, other subject I can't mention either, I have to talk about my reluctance to have anything to do with people too. I don`t know if I'm ready to go deeper, or, to be honest, I don't want to go deeper, I don't want to talk about those things, I don't want to be pushed to do things I don't want to do. I know I'm not functional yet, I depend a lot on my lion king, if it wasn't for him I wouldn't be even leaving home yet. But somehow, I've come to a comfortable place and I don't want to be pushed out of it =(

So I was planning to hide a little longer, to keep saying I was fine, but then she caught me!! I told her I so wanted a job now, and we mentioned how difficult it was to freelance, and then she said "Why don't you try to teach English in a school??" and i was like

NOOOO!!! Because there are people there!!!! and of course she wanted to talk about it. So now my new homework is to identify the thoughts I have when I don't want to interact with people.

Do I get scared??

Do I think they are going to hurt me?

Do I think they might critizice me?

For now I just know I want people away from me and I don't want anything to do with people, but why is that?? Now I have to figure that out....what a bummer =S

Mother's day

So today was mother's day... we did nothing really special, cause we don´t like going out to very crowded restaruants and theaters and movie theaters. So we stayed home, ordered some pizza, and watched some movies. Later at night, my lion king came to visit me before leaving to work =D It was a great surprise to see him, cause we thought he wouldn't have the time to come.

I gave my mom a nice flower arrangement, and my dad gave her some stuff for their new house. I got from my parents some money and from my son a greeting card made by him =)

It was a nice day after all =)

A new beginning

So my soul is back in my body =) Things turned out to be just as I wanted, even though I really thought they wouldn't. This lady didn't point at him about the cymbals, and they weren't where we thought he could have brought them, so my confidence is back. I can look at him and fall in love with his smile once again. I can touch him and feel so safe. I can kiss him and feel I'm in heaven. I can think of him and wear a grin while I make plans for a future together. I can say I love you back, cause I really do, I really feel that way.

It's been  a year since we started dating, since our first kiss in Berlín, and lots of things have happened. Some of them amazing, some others really painful, but the most important thing is that we are still together, we still love each other and things are getting even better.

I can plan our anniversary vacations now!!!!! yeeeeiii!!! =D I'm so excited n___n and I also want to start translating stuff now, I have to check that pay pal thing to get started as soon as possible. I'm feeling great and the funny thing is that I haven't had this one med, which reminds me I have several doctors to visit =O

Oh, by the way, if fools laugh, and the wise remain silent... what should we call those who send online indirect messages??   mmmmm, just wondering!!!

DOUBT

Doubt is like a demon inside you, feeding from you, destroying you little by little untill you fall apart.

Doubts can destroy friendships, partnerships, marriages. Doubts can make projects fail and shatter dreams. Doubts can break your hope and kill your will.

"Only love can kill the demon" Mickey Knox said, but is there love where there are doubts???

I was so happy with him, thinking he was the love of my life, making plans with him and for him, waiting for the time we could move together, form a family, live as one. But now I see all my dreams falling apart just in front of my eyes.

My dad's cymbals disappeared, aparently from our own house, and the only person who had access to the house was him. Did he do it?? Did he possibly take what wasn't his to sell it or something?? Could he do that to me?? Of course he said it wasn't him, but who would accept that?? Would he?? I've seen him doing some things that are obviously and totally wrong, not to me, but to other people who also trusted him. I know what he is capable of doing, the question is, could I be a victim too?? Would he respect me cause he loves me?? Would he?? Could he?? ............... Did he??

So, after torturing my mind for days, I decided to believe him, to trust him to forget about it and rescue our relationship, it's been exactly a year since everything started, we decided to leave problems behind and celebrate together our love. But just when I  was feeling happy again, my dad calls me and tells me they are consulting some kind of psychic to see who took the cymbals, cause, of course, they also think he could have done it.

I asked him once again, Was it you?? He denies it, but there's something on his face, in his eyes, or is it in my mind??

And what if this lady says it was him... Am I going to believe that?? What if she "reads" faces?? What if the liar is her??

Do whatever you need to do, he said, it wasn't me. Yet, I'm not okay, I'm not calm and cool. There's doubts in my head, and they're killing me...

Uninvited guest free

So I found today I have no followers anymore. Good... cause that means The boyfriend that really wasn't left my sanctuary for good, I hope.

I heard from a friend his mother was a little sick at the hospital, too bad, cause I really like his parents, they're such nice people and I don't want anything bad to happen to them, I hope she gets better soon, but the thing is that maybe because of that he hadn't read the e mail I sent to all our common friends and of course, to him too.

Now that he's gone from my blog I guess he already read the e mail and that he doesn't want to know anything from me anymore, good, cause I really didn't like him being around. It doesn't mean he won't read my blog every now and then though, but that's the price we pay for keeping journals online,

I just wish I had my thoughts for my own and maybe those people from Russia and Germany that found my site. It is cool to have people to read you, it's even cooler if they comment and give you feedback, I just don't want the ex boyfriend to be here cause I know he read me for the wrong reason, morbidity.

It is no secret that I'm bipolar and borderliner, it is no secret that I'm under meds and thus controlled, it's no secret that I have weird twisted thoughts and now that I decorated my blog and I like it soooo much, and that we are "uninvited guest free" I'll feel free to talk about my past, about my sad experiences, about my worries, etc. So, if someone gets to read this, especially my friends from highscool who now have the link to my soul, please don't judge me and try to simpathize with me.

YOU AGAIN???

So I opened my old gmail account after over 6 months of not checking it and what do I find?? an email, from "the boyfriend that really wasn't". Since the very first moment I knew it couldn't be something good, and I wasn't wrong.

It turned out that he did read what I wrote about him here months ago, and that he felt really ofended and used, obviously, and he was thinking the worst about me, obviously too. I already knew that, it was really fun at first, I must admit, but later on i started feeling a little guilty and I had been embracing the idea of apologyzing. I also thought I could confess it all to our common friend, the japanese, cause I was sure the boyfriend that really wasn't had told him everything. The thing is that this ex boyfriend sent all our common friends on November 2011 the link to my very private and secret blog so everybody could read what i had written about him. So everybody read how much I hated him, and how I used him, and all the nasty things i wished for him.

So I wrote all of them another e mail, telling them all the truth, a short description of our disastrous relationship, why it didn't work, what I did wrong, I didn't mention what he did wrong, cause, I'm not like him, I don't talk shit behind other people's backs, and i also told them all those things I wrote here were nothing but lies, I knew he would be curious to come to my blog and read about my whereabouts and I just gave him something "interesting" to read. Curiosity killed the cat, literally speaking.

None of them answered but the accountant, which I really appreciated. Did they believe me?? I don't know, and I guess I'll never know, but I do feel kinda relieved cause I also took the chance to apologyze to the ex boyfriend for saying all those things, he won't forgive me though, that I'm sure about.

So I was childish but now I did the right thing, and I'm happy about it, I just wished they all told me they believe me and that they won't let all those things that happened between the boyfriend that really wasn't and me, and only to the both of us, affect our friendship. But time will tell...

Long gone days

This is so weird, I just found out some people from Russia and from Germany have been reading my blog, I wonder how on Earth they found it o.O

Anyways, so the kid had to print something and used a very old USB i had borrowed from his dad very long time ago. Never really checked it, cause i just saved some archives there, and didn't bother to check its content, but today i was curious to see what was in there and found a real treasure. All kinds of photos and videos of the kid when he was a baby, some of them i hadn't seen before, some others i thought they were just lost.

I also found some images from when we were happy as a family, damn, that did make me cry a little bit. I try not to think of it a lot, but i do feel blue when i think of all those plans for a future together we made, all those plans that will never be real.

A few days ago, i was chatting with my still husband, and we ended up talking about the reasons we broke up. It's funny how we both have different memories and versions of the facts, but the truth is that we were both too young and we didn't get the right help and counseling. His drinking, my out of control bipolar disorder... I wonder how our lives would have been different if we would have stayed together, but i guess there's no turning back, too many things were said, too many times we hurt each other, too many people in our lives. We are so different now.

This is so sad u.u