Turtles

What should I do? Why do I have to make choices if I don't feel prepared for it?. How can I decide my future if I change my mind every minute? I wish everything could stay like this. This whole situation is driving me crazy, and nobody seems to be aware of it.

Questions come and go but I see no answers, no definite answers at least, no answers I still see correct the day after. Too many questions, too much pressure. My mind starts to fly away from everything and that is so not good. So not good. And what's good to me anyway? I don't know that answer either.

I wish I was a turtle. I would hide and close my eyes and wait for the storm to pass.

I wish I was a turtle =(

Emptiness

Nothing.

Just overwhealming emptiness I feel. I'm not exactly sad, it's more like standing before a hole.

Darkness, silence, a deep hollow space within my soul. I look inside, there's no motivation, no purpose, and no reason why. No questions, and no answers. There's just this big something that makes everything look pointless, useless, and absurd. Just that little voice that keeps telling me to stop trying, to give up, but I'm even too numb to listen to it.

The rain falls outside. The numbers in the clock keep changing. I stare at nothing waiting for the whole world to disappear before my eyes, and then find myself surounded by nothing, outside, just as I feel inside.

Fear

Being online all day long helps me get myself disconnected from this world. it keeps my mind busy and away from reality. There is where I want to be, away, very far away from here, cause it hurts here, it really hurts.

Pain, I don't like pain. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I've felt so much pain this far, and it seems it won't end soon.

I know I can't turn my back on reality forever, but I wish I could, I know I have to face what I feel but I don't want to. I'm afraid of feeling.

I can't say what he did to me. whenever i try to say the word, I stop talking. Whenever I try to write the word, I delete the letters and type something else. Whenever I try to think of it, I think of something else. If I can't even say it, how am I supposed to cope with it? I fear what can happen to me, what if I get too depressed again? what if I cut my arm again? what if I lose my stability? I'm afraid, I need help, I don't think I can do this alone.

The book

I got this book as a Christmas present. The courage of healing. a guide for women who survived sexual abuse during childhood. I thought it was my dad's idea for over a year, then my mother told me I had asked for it. Weird thing cause i certainly don't remember doing so. Anyway, it's a good book, a very good one indeed.

In one of the pages it says this book could be really difficult to read because of the reactions it causes, and well, they were sooo right. It has made me feel too many things and I haven't even started the first exercise.

The thing is, I had been feeling great the last few days. No eating compulsively, no depressions, no sadness, no violence nor rage, things were going on pretty good, but then, it's Monday again and during the kid's swimming lessons I always read. So I read. This time, it was about the body, about being conscious of our bodies and "listening" to our body's signals, etc. Sexual abuse survivors commonly lose communication between their bodies and their minds, and yes, I definitely know about that. The thing is that I found myself twisting the lower right corner of the book while reading about eating compulsively, it definitely affected me and now I'm eating compulsively again.

Bananas and cream, that was the first thing I wanted, so I drove everywhere looking for some bananas, but didn't find any. Then I bought a slice of cake and two slices of pie and a coke. So I start eating as if i was going to die tomorrow and then i feel soo guilty. I look at myself in the mirror and I find myself sooo fat. And yes, I know, everybody says I'm not fat, but my brain says something else and that is what matters, the way I feel, the way I see myself, and I see myself fat. Anyway, I'm here now feeling fat, sad and guilty with a lot of bread in my stomach.

Now I'm sitting here, in front of the wrappings of the pies I ate and I think: I survived sexual abuse, I wonder if I can survive the book...

A robot

I feel nothing today. I'm trying to dig into my feelings but I find nothing. No matter how deep i go, I still feel nothing.

My ex boyfriend told me he won't be a part of my life anymore, and I don't feel sad. I feel nothing about it. I think of it and try to find some sadness inside, but i can't. There's nothing in there.

I have to finish my costume cause i'm running out of time, and i feel nothing about it. I think of it, and count the hours i have left and try to find a slight concern inside, but i can't. There's nothing in there.

I was making my glove and I made a mistake so I had to start from the beginning once again, and I feel nothing about it. I think of it and I see the broken pieces of my glove on the bed, and I try to find some frustration inside, but I can't. There's nothing in there.

I talked to my best friend in highschool after 15 years of not hearing from him, and I feel nothing about it!! It made me smile and I thought I was happy, but when I try to find some happiness inside i just can't!! There's nothing in there!!

My son is sleeping so peacefully in my bed, and he looks like an angel, and I feel nothing about it. I try to find some tenderness inside but I can't. There's nothing in there.

I try to write about my feelings, and I can't, and I feel nothing about it. I try to find any feelings inside but I can't. I'm like a robot. As if I was someone else. There's just nothing in there...

Stupid Cats

Adrenaline levels are going down now. My body is still shaky, my heart still beats fast and I'm still hyperventilating. Ill feel better soon.

What happened?? I almost beat a cat to death.

Here's the thing. This stupid cat keeps hissing at us and hurting us with his nails. I hate him. I hate his stupid ugly face, his stupid huge ears, and his stupid voice. It's only 3 months old and i bet it will be dangerous for humans when he grows old. and I hate it.

Why so much hate towards a small animal?? I dont know, I'm sure it means something but i dont know what.

The thing is that i try to get rid of it, i kick him out but hours later i still can hear him scream, cause it doesnt meow, or cry, he screams, as if it was being tortured by 10 humans with needles and knives. So I open the door and its there, but instead of coming in, cause thats what he wanted, wasnt it? thats why it was making so much noise, isnt it? instead, it walks backwards, and hisses, and makes threatening noises. So I want to kick him as far as I can with my super big boot but instead, i grab him by the neck to bring it in, but what do I get? scratches. scratches and bites and more hissing!!!!

Then everything goes like a slow motion movie. I put my hand around the neck, and then close it, more and more, then it starts making these noises with its throat and I so like it. no more hissing, no more nails, no more bites. just choking noises and nothing more. nice =). but i have to let it go or i'll kill him, and i dont want to do it, or do I? so I slam him onto the floor and i expect it to run away, but it doesnt move. guess i really hurt him. he cant walk, he crawls behind the washing machine and i should leave him there, but i so hate it that i grab a mop and start hitting as hard as i can till it goes out.

My heart beats so fast, my hands shake, I feel both great and awful, Im cruel but he deserves it. you'll suffer stupid little creature, youll regreat you dared to hiss at me and put your nails on me. I have to stop, theres blood around its snout, it smells like shit, and theres piss all over the place. so i go back in and try to calm down. I'm breathing fast. but i still have to go out to hang the clothes to dry.

Im hanging the clothes and i hear the cat crying, now he is crying, there's fear, there's pain, there's suffering and I so like it, I want to hear that again, so i start chasing it with the mop, kicking it when i can, then Thirty Two comes, oops! his mom is here and i don t want her to see this, so i leave him alone, but he still cries. Im about to go when i see him hidden behind the dog house, staring at me, frightful, sad.

Awww poor little thing, who hurt you??? Come here boy, dont cry, Ill pet you and make you feel better, but dont you dare to do something wrong or we'll start again. Easy there, easy... shhhhh, shhhhh, shhhhhh ....

Now that i feel better i can see clearly the problem is that cat doesnt love me, doesnt respect me and i cant cope with rejection. He doesnt like me and i want him to pay for it.

I told Tommy love is the real problem.

It has always been.

Obsessed

okay so here's this ex bf who treated me really bad, but he still wants to go back with me. till today. I told him some true facts. He owes my parents a lot of money, and according to this liar he already has the money but he put it into an account in a bank for 3 months. mmmmm. too suspicious. anyway, so i tell him he's so unfair, when u owe money you pay it as soon as you can, you dont expect to get more money from you bank account for 3 months before paying.

so i tell him he's been selfish and what do i get?, i just got sent to fuck myself. Then, you'd say to me, well just tell that guy the same and turn the page, but theres where my stupid borderline disorder comes out again. i dont love him anymore, but i need him close. i need him close enough for not feeling lonely but far enough so he isnt part of my life. what a contradiction!! but who ever said i wasnt a walking contradiction myself?

so, i hadnt smoked since september last year. I went to the store and bought a pack of cigs. I hadnt drunk for i dont know how long. i went to the store and bought a six pack of beers. I hadnt used drugs in over a year and i took as many pills my body can handle without getting an overdose. I dont want to die, i just wanna get high. oh yes, i also cut myself again. no blood this time, what a shame, i love watching blood coming from my arms, but it was painful enough so i didnt cut myself deeper this time.

now i just hope i dot run out of cigs before i drink all the beers and if im not stupid enough by the time cigs and alcohol are over, ill take more pills, i just dont want to feel nothing today. nothing.

the other option is going to a 24 hours store and buy some more beer. i dont know. lets just see what happens.

oh and im so pissed off cause i had saved some emergency pills for a situation like this, but i cant find them. shit, just when i need them so badly.

This is just one of those days i feel too emotionally weak to cope with things and i need to escape reality.

oh, dragonforce is playin now and they say "you will cry for just one more time to escape from all this madness, one more time to be set free from all this sadness and one last time to be the one who understands my soul and my spirit will go on for all of eternity" . its funny, cause songs often sing what you are thinking haha.

okay, now i talked about my feelings lets think. i dont really love this guy, what i hate is rejection. i cant cope with rejection and that s why im still after him. i know the day im the one who rejects him everything will be okay, but i just cant stand he just doesnt want to hear from me again!

narcicism, yes, maybe im to narcisist to cope with rejection, but i know he will come to beg me to take him back, as soon as he realizes what he's lost. haha, if border people have somethin is charming, im so charming he cant live without me.

oh god im so stupid. it makes me thing, if im smart enough to know what im doing and why im doing this, why cant i stop?? cause im crazy? hehe. oh im a walking contradiction....

he's not answering the phone, but sooner or later he will, and ill convince him to take me back, just to be able to kick him away.

good, before i posted this, he called. he still said he wants to forget me, but he said he loves me and that makes me happy. i still went buy some more beer and more cigs. im getting drunk and high today....

i m not getting any better i guess, i just had some good weeks. anyway.cheers everybody.

Would u please shut up??!!

So the kid won't go to school in the morning and I am planning to stay in bed till 11:00 am.

I happily set up my alarm clock and go to bed after a rather funny Mafia Wars night.

I am having a great dream when my telephone rings. What the hell?? who would call me at .... mmm.... 5:00 am???!! I'm sure something wrong happened. So I pick up the receiver just to hear the drunken voice of my ex husband, who wants to go back with me. At five o'clock in the morning!!?? I can't even open my eyes and he wants me to change my life just like that!! What a dork. And he's drunk. Again. I hate him even more.

I convince him to talk about it later, when he's sober and I'm awake. I go back to bed happy cause I still have 6 more hours of sleep.

6:00 am, the bloody damn cat again. She just doesn't want to stay in the backyard and goes out, then in the morning wants to go back in!! I don't usually mind cause I get up early, but today I'm trying to sleep!!! Oh no! now she's scratching the window! I definitely want to kill her. What was I thinking when I decided to have three cats? and now it's even worse cause they turned to seven.

I close my eyes and cover my ears with the blankets. I'm trying to go back to sleep again.

The kid starts snoring ¬¬ He has the flu so he can't breathe. He starts making all kinds of nasty noises with nose and mouth, even throat. I wake him up and beg him to go blow his nose. He does, but then starts coughing. One cough after another and one more. This can't be happening to me.

I get up and bring a humid towel. He starts breathing with it (it does work by the way). Now that I'm up, I let the bloody cat in. No more noises. Good. I close my eyes again.

Sneezing. Sneezing and itchy throat. My allergies are bothering me again. I know if I don't get up and take my medicine it won't stop. I get up and get a glass of water. Blow my nose once more and go back to bed.

What the... is one of my neighbors nailing and drilling the wall?? at 8:00 am??? Who decides to improve their house at eight in the morning??!!

The cat is mewoing at my window again.

The kid is snoring and coughing again.

My throat is itchy again.

This is useless. It's 9:00 am and I still have two more hours but it seems everybody got together for not letting me sleep today.

I get up to have breakfast and play some Mafia Wars...

=(

The beginning

So that cat won't shut up till I let her in, but I just don't want to stand up. I tell the boy to do it. Then I hear the door, then the cat, making even more noises, asking desperately for some attention.

I so want to kill her ...

I wish I could grab her by the neck and slam her against the wall, over and over till I see blood coming from her mouth, just as I did with the gray one that day in the bathroom.

But I don't want to stand up...

I just close my eyes, take a deep breath and try to control myself.

I love that cat, the black one is my favorite. I don't like her today though. I don't like anybody or anything today. This is one of those days i just want to crouch on my bed, close my eyes and feel the whole world disappear around me.

This is one of those days...

So this is the beginning of my blog.

This is me, my boring life, my twisted mind and my crazy story.

I don't even know if anyone will get to read it, anyway...

=)