Obsessed

okay so here's this ex bf who treated me really bad, but he still wants to go back with me. till today. I told him some true facts. He owes my parents a lot of money, and according to this liar he already has the money but he put it into an account in a bank for 3 months. mmmmm. too suspicious. anyway, so i tell him he's so unfair, when u owe money you pay it as soon as you can, you dont expect to get more money from you bank account for 3 months before paying.

so i tell him he's been selfish and what do i get?, i just got sent to fuck myself. Then, you'd say to me, well just tell that guy the same and turn the page, but theres where my stupid borderline disorder comes out again. i dont love him anymore, but i need him close. i need him close enough for not feeling lonely but far enough so he isnt part of my life. what a contradiction!! but who ever said i wasnt a walking contradiction myself?

so, i hadnt smoked since september last year. I went to the store and bought a pack of cigs. I hadnt drunk for i dont know how long. i went to the store and bought a six pack of beers. I hadnt used drugs in over a year and i took as many pills my body can handle without getting an overdose. I dont want to die, i just wanna get high. oh yes, i also cut myself again. no blood this time, what a shame, i love watching blood coming from my arms, but it was painful enough so i didnt cut myself deeper this time.

now i just hope i dot run out of cigs before i drink all the beers and if im not stupid enough by the time cigs and alcohol are over, ill take more pills, i just dont want to feel nothing today. nothing.

the other option is going to a 24 hours store and buy some more beer. i dont know. lets just see what happens.

oh and im so pissed off cause i had saved some emergency pills for a situation like this, but i cant find them. shit, just when i need them so badly.

This is just one of those days i feel too emotionally weak to cope with things and i need to escape reality.

oh, dragonforce is playin now and they say "you will cry for just one more time to escape from all this madness, one more time to be set free from all this sadness and one last time to be the one who understands my soul and my spirit will go on for all of eternity" . its funny, cause songs often sing what you are thinking haha.

okay, now i talked about my feelings lets think. i dont really love this guy, what i hate is rejection. i cant cope with rejection and that s why im still after him. i know the day im the one who rejects him everything will be okay, but i just cant stand he just doesnt want to hear from me again!

narcicism, yes, maybe im to narcisist to cope with rejection, but i know he will come to beg me to take him back, as soon as he realizes what he's lost. haha, if border people have somethin is charming, im so charming he cant live without me.

oh god im so stupid. it makes me thing, if im smart enough to know what im doing and why im doing this, why cant i stop?? cause im crazy? hehe. oh im a walking contradiction....

he's not answering the phone, but sooner or later he will, and ill convince him to take me back, just to be able to kick him away.

good, before i posted this, he called. he still said he wants to forget me, but he said he loves me and that makes me happy. i still went buy some more beer and more cigs. im getting drunk and high today....

i m not getting any better i guess, i just had some good weeks. anyway.cheers everybody.