The book

I got this book as a Christmas present. The courage of healing. a guide for women who survived sexual abuse during childhood. I thought it was my dad's idea for over a year, then my mother told me I had asked for it. Weird thing cause i certainly don't remember doing so. Anyway, it's a good book, a very good one indeed.

In one of the pages it says this book could be really difficult to read because of the reactions it causes, and well, they were sooo right. It has made me feel too many things and I haven't even started the first exercise.

The thing is, I had been feeling great the last few days. No eating compulsively, no depressions, no sadness, no violence nor rage, things were going on pretty good, but then, it's Monday again and during the kid's swimming lessons I always read. So I read. This time, it was about the body, about being conscious of our bodies and "listening" to our body's signals, etc. Sexual abuse survivors commonly lose communication between their bodies and their minds, and yes, I definitely know about that. The thing is that I found myself twisting the lower right corner of the book while reading about eating compulsively, it definitely affected me and now I'm eating compulsively again.

Bananas and cream, that was the first thing I wanted, so I drove everywhere looking for some bananas, but didn't find any. Then I bought a slice of cake and two slices of pie and a coke. So I start eating as if i was going to die tomorrow and then i feel soo guilty. I look at myself in the mirror and I find myself sooo fat. And yes, I know, everybody says I'm not fat, but my brain says something else and that is what matters, the way I feel, the way I see myself, and I see myself fat. Anyway, I'm here now feeling fat, sad and guilty with a lot of bread in my stomach.

Now I'm sitting here, in front of the wrappings of the pies I ate and I think: I survived sexual abuse, I wonder if I can survive the book...