DOUBT

Doubt is like a demon inside you, feeding from you, destroying you little by little untill you fall apart.

Doubts can destroy friendships, partnerships, marriages. Doubts can make projects fail and shatter dreams. Doubts can break your hope and kill your will.

"Only love can kill the demon" Mickey Knox said, but is there love where there are doubts???

I was so happy with him, thinking he was the love of my life, making plans with him and for him, waiting for the time we could move together, form a family, live as one. But now I see all my dreams falling apart just in front of my eyes.

My dad's cymbals disappeared, aparently from our own house, and the only person who had access to the house was him. Did he do it?? Did he possibly take what wasn't his to sell it or something?? Could he do that to me?? Of course he said it wasn't him, but who would accept that?? Would he?? I've seen him doing some things that are obviously and totally wrong, not to me, but to other people who also trusted him. I know what he is capable of doing, the question is, could I be a victim too?? Would he respect me cause he loves me?? Would he?? Could he?? ............... Did he??

So, after torturing my mind for days, I decided to believe him, to trust him to forget about it and rescue our relationship, it's been exactly a year since everything started, we decided to leave problems behind and celebrate together our love. But just when I  was feeling happy again, my dad calls me and tells me they are consulting some kind of psychic to see who took the cymbals, cause, of course, they also think he could have done it.

I asked him once again, Was it you?? He denies it, but there's something on his face, in his eyes, or is it in my mind??

And what if this lady says it was him... Am I going to believe that?? What if she "reads" faces?? What if the liar is her??

Do whatever you need to do, he said, it wasn't me. Yet, I'm not okay, I'm not calm and cool. There's doubts in my head, and they're killing me...

Uninvited guest free

So I found today I have no followers anymore. Good... cause that means The boyfriend that really wasn't left my sanctuary for good, I hope.

I heard from a friend his mother was a little sick at the hospital, too bad, cause I really like his parents, they're such nice people and I don't want anything bad to happen to them, I hope she gets better soon, but the thing is that maybe because of that he hadn't read the e mail I sent to all our common friends and of course, to him too.

Now that he's gone from my blog I guess he already read the e mail and that he doesn't want to know anything from me anymore, good, cause I really didn't like him being around. It doesn't mean he won't read my blog every now and then though, but that's the price we pay for keeping journals online,

I just wish I had my thoughts for my own and maybe those people from Russia and Germany that found my site. It is cool to have people to read you, it's even cooler if they comment and give you feedback, I just don't want the ex boyfriend to be here cause I know he read me for the wrong reason, morbidity.

It is no secret that I'm bipolar and borderliner, it is no secret that I'm under meds and thus controlled, it's no secret that I have weird twisted thoughts and now that I decorated my blog and I like it soooo much, and that we are "uninvited guest free" I'll feel free to talk about my past, about my sad experiences, about my worries, etc. So, if someone gets to read this, especially my friends from highscool who now have the link to my soul, please don't judge me and try to simpathize with me.

YOU AGAIN???

So I opened my old gmail account after over 6 months of not checking it and what do I find?? an email, from "the boyfriend that really wasn't". Since the very first moment I knew it couldn't be something good, and I wasn't wrong.

It turned out that he did read what I wrote about him here months ago, and that he felt really ofended and used, obviously, and he was thinking the worst about me, obviously too. I already knew that, it was really fun at first, I must admit, but later on i started feeling a little guilty and I had been embracing the idea of apologyzing. I also thought I could confess it all to our common friend, the japanese, cause I was sure the boyfriend that really wasn't had told him everything. The thing is that this ex boyfriend sent all our common friends on November 2011 the link to my very private and secret blog so everybody could read what i had written about him. So everybody read how much I hated him, and how I used him, and all the nasty things i wished for him.

So I wrote all of them another e mail, telling them all the truth, a short description of our disastrous relationship, why it didn't work, what I did wrong, I didn't mention what he did wrong, cause, I'm not like him, I don't talk shit behind other people's backs, and i also told them all those things I wrote here were nothing but lies, I knew he would be curious to come to my blog and read about my whereabouts and I just gave him something "interesting" to read. Curiosity killed the cat, literally speaking.

None of them answered but the accountant, which I really appreciated. Did they believe me?? I don't know, and I guess I'll never know, but I do feel kinda relieved cause I also took the chance to apologyze to the ex boyfriend for saying all those things, he won't forgive me though, that I'm sure about.

So I was childish but now I did the right thing, and I'm happy about it, I just wished they all told me they believe me and that they won't let all those things that happened between the boyfriend that really wasn't and me, and only to the both of us, affect our friendship. But time will tell...

Long gone days

This is so weird, I just found out some people from Russia and from Germany have been reading my blog, I wonder how on Earth they found it o.O

Anyways, so the kid had to print something and used a very old USB i had borrowed from his dad very long time ago. Never really checked it, cause i just saved some archives there, and didn't bother to check its content, but today i was curious to see what was in there and found a real treasure. All kinds of photos and videos of the kid when he was a baby, some of them i hadn't seen before, some others i thought they were just lost.

I also found some images from when we were happy as a family, damn, that did make me cry a little bit. I try not to think of it a lot, but i do feel blue when i think of all those plans for a future together we made, all those plans that will never be real.

A few days ago, i was chatting with my still husband, and we ended up talking about the reasons we broke up. It's funny how we both have different memories and versions of the facts, but the truth is that we were both too young and we didn't get the right help and counseling. His drinking, my out of control bipolar disorder... I wonder how our lives would have been different if we would have stayed together, but i guess there's no turning back, too many things were said, too many times we hurt each other, too many people in our lives. We are so different now.

This is so sad u.u

WE BITE =D

So my dream did come true =D . Since i started going out with musicians, and dating one, i started feeling like playing once again. First i thought of learning one or two songs and play them with my friends, but then the idea of making my own band came.

So I told my Lion King and he helped me find musicians for my project, a Misfits tribute band. That's how we find Kobu and Josué, and along with my Lion King we formed We Bite.

At first it was too slow, we were waiting for a place to rehearse, but we waited way too long, till Kobu found a gig for us on March 31st. So we started learning songs, rehearsing every weekend for hours and hours outdoors and we were able to play 15 songs fairly well. It was kinda difficult cause i started learning one song just to forget another one, i was feeling very nervous and under a lot of pressure, but in the end it was totally worth it.

So the big day finally arrived, we had plenty of things to do that day, like getting the make up, finishing the spikes for the bass drum, etc. and i was too nervous, but when we were ready, looking like the misfits and we stood on the stage everything felt just perfect. I knew i was just in the right place, doing the right thing, with the right people. Then i heard the drums play Monster Mash intro and then we all started playing, it was like being in heaven.

Even though we were playing for over 50 unknown people, everything went perfect, they were there with us, singing along, taking pictures, supporting the band at every moment.

When the gig was over I knew that was the most perfect way to celebrate my 34th birthday ever, i also knew we do have a good band and that if we keep working hard we will get to be, not only a misfits tribute band, but the misfits tribute band, besides, we already have The Misfits' blessing, what else could we ask for???


=D

The boyfriend that really wasn't strikes again

The moral would be, if someone you don't like says something to you that creates some sort of a trauma, don't let that person know about it, or they'll laugh at you.
And that is exactly what is happening.

Let's make a little history here. The bf that really wasn't used to say he was a metalhead way too much. That, itself, is quite wrong and annoying, if u are something, u don't have to talk about it, people will tell and recognize what u are. But things get worse if you are not what u claim to be, and that is what i told this guy. As he once confessed, that statement really shocked him and troubled him, first, cause he wouldn't accept i was right, later, cause he didn't like reality.
A year later, and after asking me if i had a calendar and hadn't noticed it's been too long since we broke up, he comes up with the same stupid subject once again, but this time even worse, cause he writes in his blog about his story as a metalhead and how proud he is now for not being one anymore, but also talks shit about metalheads with statements full of lies and stupidity.

I got curious and read this post, i knew instantly it was addressed to me, but i know who i am, and i know what i am, and who and what i am not, of course, those things he said had no effect in me but hours and hours of non stop laughter. I would have loved to post a comment and say, "oh please, get over it!" but i didn't do it, i decided to be more mmm... subtle.

I copied the link and showed it to a friend of mine, metalhead to the bone, but also a very inteligent and nice person, with lots and lots of metalhead friends, and just as i expected, she read it, got mad, made comments and shared it with her friends, those friends with others and you can imagine what happened next. His blog was full of insults and comments trying to make him understad he had make a huge mistake by writing those things.

Oh damn, i did have so much fun. But i didn't know things would get even better! for me of course. Cause this guy dared to delete all the comments!! and even worse!! he decided to write one more post, supposedly answering those who have made comments. So i also read the "reply", oh boy, i didnt know he was that stupid!!! i mean, i knew he was, but not that much!! he replied making fun of them (or at least trying) and critizicing them instead of giving good reasons to his previous statements (of course he didn't cause he doesnt have any!!!).
Then some guy wrote him again, i loved that post, it was sooo right!! and guess what... yes!!!! he deleted it too!!! hahahahahahahahahaha oh my god, the only thing he should delete is his stupid post and try to pretend nothing happened, but hey, that would be a wise decision, and well, you know... ;-)
In the end, i had 3 days of fun and laughter and he got 3 days of insults and bad words.
Who's the winner?? ;-)

L O L n' pride

LOL!!!! Damn i really laughed today, hahahaha, i love those girls, they are so funny!!! Too bad it's difficult to get together as often as we would like to, but we have promised each other to meet before Xmas. I miss those days at Berlin, with both bands and all the girls, i wish they played there more often =)

Now, in other order of ideas, i'm so proud of my lion king today. I couldn't go, cause i had things to do, but today was the beginning of his band's new era. Covers are being left behind and with their new manager things will be not only different, but much, much better.

My lion king, i really wish you the best, not only because i love you with all my heart, but also because you deserve it, you all four do. I admire you cause you dared to pursue the dream of being a professional musician and now you are on your way to the top. Way to go, my love!!!! Congratulations!!!

Now im really into playing once again, that fire inside me is burning again. I want to have fun and feel alive on a scenery!!! and you singing will make this project even better. Thanx for sharing my dreams with you!!! oh, and what we did today, well, it was aweeeesome!!! L O L !!!!!