The Lion King

I'm a hunter. Chasing is what i like the most, then, when I catch my victim I discover I don't want it anymore.

I'm not exactly talking about animals. That's what happens to me with men. I like flirting, trying to get his attention, if it's difficult it's even better. I love the first kiss, that first time your lips touch his, his breath, his smell... =D isn't it just great?? But then, after that, that guy I kept thinking of the whole day becomes completely boring ¬¬, everything I was feeling just goes away.

Few guys have escaped that fate. I'd say 3, but my interest in them did surely go down, but then, the Lion King came to my life to rock my world and to make me feel what i had never felt before.

He got in my mind so slowly I didn't even noticed it. I didn't chase him, I didn't hunt him, he just stood in front of me and said " I want to know you better ". To know me better??? you mean, for real??? I think that is what made him special. So I started enjoying him being around, his company, his talk, then he was there when I needed his support, that meant a lot to me. Then I realized I was caring a lot for him, days after, I was loving him, today, I'm completely in love with him.

He's the reason I smile when I wake up, he's the thought that's always in my head, he's the one I'm dying to see, he's the lips I want to kiss, he's the one in my dreams.

I'm so happy to have the Lion King in my life I have even forgotten I want to die for a while.

Thank you for sharing your life with mine, thank you for being there and for being who you are =-* I love you =D I really do :-*

The boyfriend that reallly wasn't

The internet can be really dangerous. It can make you believe on things you shouldn't. Here's what happened to me.

I found this classmate from highschool after so many years. He's lonely, I'm too. And we found each other trying to fulfill the other's expectations. So we started a relationship, I even moved to another city to make it work. Ok, I didn't, I did cause I wanted him to pay my Japanese lessons >=). The thing is that the whole event was a complete disaster!!! He turned out to be the most annoying person in the world, yes, I ended up hating his only presence on Earth, haha.

"Use them" my cousin said, referring to men, and so I did. I "kept" him so he could pay the next course, but I had to get rid of him before I started the 3rd course, too bad hehe.

Then I found out he had been feeling too sad, lonely, abandonned, etc. when he was "dating" me, and I use quotations cause we really didn't date, I didn't want to see him, so I kept making up excuses to not going out with him. I'm kinda evil sometimes, I don't know why, cause I did feel good when I knew he was feeling like that, it was this great feeling and the thought that he got what he deserved. Did he deserve pain cause he wasn't who I expected him to be?? Cause he couldn't make me fall in love with him?? or because he is so annoying he deserves to suffer?? hehe, i like the last option better ;-)

Then he found someone else, this ugly girl that apparently makes him happy, and I wish he hadn't found her, I wish he was lonely, sad and abandonned. Why?? I don't know, maybe it's just because I don't like him. And to think I thought I would love him, haha, yeahh I was stupid.

I still can read his blog, I had forgotten about it for 7 months, but hopefully, one day I'll open his blog and read she dumped him cause he was really annoying too =D or, that they are going to have ugly annoying stupid kids haha, I don't know, I don't really care anymore, I just find it amusing to have someone to hate ;-)

Turtles

What should I do? Why do I have to make choices if I don't feel prepared for it?. How can I decide my future if I change my mind every minute? I wish everything could stay like this. This whole situation is driving me crazy, and nobody seems to be aware of it.

Questions come and go but I see no answers, no definite answers at least, no answers I still see correct the day after. Too many questions, too much pressure. My mind starts to fly away from everything and that is so not good. So not good. And what's good to me anyway? I don't know that answer either.

I wish I was a turtle. I would hide and close my eyes and wait for the storm to pass.

I wish I was a turtle =(

Emptiness

Nothing.

Just overwhealming emptiness I feel. I'm not exactly sad, it's more like standing before a hole.

Darkness, silence, a deep hollow space within my soul. I look inside, there's no motivation, no purpose, and no reason why. No questions, and no answers. There's just this big something that makes everything look pointless, useless, and absurd. Just that little voice that keeps telling me to stop trying, to give up, but I'm even too numb to listen to it.

The rain falls outside. The numbers in the clock keep changing. I stare at nothing waiting for the whole world to disappear before my eyes, and then find myself surounded by nothing, outside, just as I feel inside.

Fear

Being online all day long helps me get myself disconnected from this world. it keeps my mind busy and away from reality. There is where I want to be, away, very far away from here, cause it hurts here, it really hurts.

Pain, I don't like pain. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I've felt so much pain this far, and it seems it won't end soon.

I know I can't turn my back on reality forever, but I wish I could, I know I have to face what I feel but I don't want to. I'm afraid of feeling.

I can't say what he did to me. whenever i try to say the word, I stop talking. Whenever I try to write the word, I delete the letters and type something else. Whenever I try to think of it, I think of something else. If I can't even say it, how am I supposed to cope with it? I fear what can happen to me, what if I get too depressed again? what if I cut my arm again? what if I lose my stability? I'm afraid, I need help, I don't think I can do this alone.

The book

I got this book as a Christmas present. The courage of healing. a guide for women who survived sexual abuse during childhood. I thought it was my dad's idea for over a year, then my mother told me I had asked for it. Weird thing cause i certainly don't remember doing so. Anyway, it's a good book, a very good one indeed.

In one of the pages it says this book could be really difficult to read because of the reactions it causes, and well, they were sooo right. It has made me feel too many things and I haven't even started the first exercise.

The thing is, I had been feeling great the last few days. No eating compulsively, no depressions, no sadness, no violence nor rage, things were going on pretty good, but then, it's Monday again and during the kid's swimming lessons I always read. So I read. This time, it was about the body, about being conscious of our bodies and "listening" to our body's signals, etc. Sexual abuse survivors commonly lose communication between their bodies and their minds, and yes, I definitely know about that. The thing is that I found myself twisting the lower right corner of the book while reading about eating compulsively, it definitely affected me and now I'm eating compulsively again.

Bananas and cream, that was the first thing I wanted, so I drove everywhere looking for some bananas, but didn't find any. Then I bought a slice of cake and two slices of pie and a coke. So I start eating as if i was going to die tomorrow and then i feel soo guilty. I look at myself in the mirror and I find myself sooo fat. And yes, I know, everybody says I'm not fat, but my brain says something else and that is what matters, the way I feel, the way I see myself, and I see myself fat. Anyway, I'm here now feeling fat, sad and guilty with a lot of bread in my stomach.

Now I'm sitting here, in front of the wrappings of the pies I ate and I think: I survived sexual abuse, I wonder if I can survive the book...

A robot

I feel nothing today. I'm trying to dig into my feelings but I find nothing. No matter how deep i go, I still feel nothing.

My ex boyfriend told me he won't be a part of my life anymore, and I don't feel sad. I feel nothing about it. I think of it and try to find some sadness inside, but i can't. There's nothing in there.

I have to finish my costume cause i'm running out of time, and i feel nothing about it. I think of it, and count the hours i have left and try to find a slight concern inside, but i can't. There's nothing in there.

I was making my glove and I made a mistake so I had to start from the beginning once again, and I feel nothing about it. I think of it and I see the broken pieces of my glove on the bed, and I try to find some frustration inside, but I can't. There's nothing in there.

I talked to my best friend in highschool after 15 years of not hearing from him, and I feel nothing about it!! It made me smile and I thought I was happy, but when I try to find some happiness inside i just can't!! There's nothing in there!!

My son is sleeping so peacefully in my bed, and he looks like an angel, and I feel nothing about it. I try to find some tenderness inside but I can't. There's nothing in there.

I try to write about my feelings, and I can't, and I feel nothing about it. I try to find any feelings inside but I can't. I'm like a robot. As if I was someone else. There's just nothing in there...