Friday, May 18, 2012

The boyfriend that stole everything

I was talking to my therapist about the fact that I don't like people and that I want them as far from me as possible, and then I thought I didn't use to be like this. I used to like being around with people, so, when did this start?? what happened to me?? and then I remembered "the boyfriend that stole everything" and what he did to me.

I had met this guy a few years before, and i had thought he was cute, just saw him once. After that we waved at each other several times while driving our cars, he got fat and I didn't like him anymore. But this one day, I had just broken up with someone I really loved and who hurt me a lot and I was getting drunk with some friends at the tatoo studio, and he showed up. He was thin again and he seemed very happy to see me there. We started talking and a few days later he was already my boyfriend. I was very happy, cause being with him helped me not to thing about the other one, and kept sadness away from me.

Those were hard times for me back then, cause I was taking some pills that shouldn't be taken with alcohol, but the doctor told me I could drink and just before going to bed, I could take my pills. But I guess my doctor didn't consider I drank everyday, and now that I'm sober I can see those pills mixed with alcohol did affect my judgement back then.

So being high almost all day long and feeling safe with him led me to do a series of stupid things. He moved in with me, a few weeks after we started dating and suspiciously enough, some things started to disappear, specially money, but he managed to convince me I was sleepwalking and taking the money and getting rid of it. So I thought it was all my fault!!!


Some other things disappeared from my house. The most expensive toys, my son's money, my videocamera, my dvd, my digital camera, but I didn't realize untill it was too late. I was so numb back then, I regret that now.

His son stole my car while I was in another city, and of course, crashed it. And he begged me to not go to the police, he promised he would pay all the expenses and fix the damages of both cars. Of course he didn't!!! and when I was about to lose my car, I had to borrow a lot of money from my parents, money he promised he would pay, and yes, he never payed.

We both moved to another city, where I was supposed to have a better job, but instead, the company broke and I got left there with no job and no money. He said he would get a job, and he actually said he had gotten jobs, but what a coincidence!! just before getting paid he was suspiciously fired!!!

We were so broke, sometimes we would only eat one piece of bread and beans, and some days, he would come home with a little money, he would say to me he borrowed it from some friends. I didn't notice he was selling the few things I had left!!!

But the last thing he did was telling me his son had an emergency and that he had to send him a large amount of money to save him from some drug dealers. It was exactly the same amount he was supposed to receive from the last "job" he said he had gotten. Mmmmmm, suspicious right???


So I called his family and, as I thought, they didn't knew anything about any drug dealers, so I knew he was lying to me, and I told him not to send that money away, cause we needed it to pay rent. I told him I would never forgive him if he sent the money. He said he wouldn't, but when the time to go claim the check came, he just appeared with a suitcase and told me he had sent the money and that he was leaving.

I was shocked. Just in front of my eyes I saw him cross the door, leaving me with no money at all, not even a few cents to buy a cigarette!!! Then I thought, I had a little money in the bank that I had saved to pay part of the rent, but soon I discovered he had also stolen my debit card and the money was gone too.

I remember that day I went into the bathroom, into the shower, sat on the floor and hid my head behind my knees and cried. I cried a lot. I was so scared to go out and face my new reality. I was there, in a new unknown city, all alone, with no money at all, with no place to go, with nobody to ask for help. I was so scared, I was petrified.

My parents helped me, they sent me some money to pay my debts. Later on I discovered all the things that were gone, all of them obviously sold by him. But the truth is that emotionally, I never recovered from that experience. I managed to lock myself inside my house, and months later, inside my bedroom, and would just go out quickly to the store to buy some groceries. I got completely isolated from the world outside.



It's been three years since then. I still don't like going out. I avoid it as much as I can, and I just feel comfortable if my Lion King goes with me. I don't like answering the phone, or the door, and I don't socialize with anybody. I don't like people and I want them away from me. The only way I can comunicate is by texting or chatting online, and obviously, I can't get a job because of that.

So the boyfriend that stole everything stole something else, he stole my confidence, he stole my trust... he stole me. And I'm still trying to recover.




Thursday, May 17, 2012

So in love again =)

There were a lot of days off this month, specially for kids at school and, since my Lion King and I don't have normal working schedules, we managed to go camping last weekend, from Sunday to Wednesday.

I had one of the best weekends ever, we had so much fun, despite all the noisy people!! It was so great we didn't want to come back ;-)

But the greatest thing is that I began feeling so much in love with my lion king again. He had done a few things that I didn't like at all, and I had been feeling kinda weird about him, I mean, love was always there, but that overwhealming love that makes you smile every time you think about that special person had been gone. But after these few days together, I started feeling the same way once again. I feel totally full of him, I think of him all the time, I feel so happy when I see him, I want to hug him all day long and sleep by his side. I look at him and I see perfection and I so want to squeeze him between my hands.

I don't want this feeling to go away anymore, and I trust he won't do anything to disappoint me. Hopefully, we will living together soon =D

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Stay away from me!!

I had to go to the kid's school for a mother's day breakfast, the children were going to sing all the moms songs too. So I called this old friend (kind of ex friend, actually) whose child is in the same school, so we could go together. And we did. We had breakfast and we saw our kids sing. We had a good time after all.

But the thing is that there were lots and lots of moms there, some of them look much older than me, but some of them should be even younger than me, but somehow, I see them as if they were absolutely different to me, not only because they look totally different from me, but also as if they were some kind of weird aliens. Or maybe, as if I were some kind of weird alien.

My hair is blue, and I wear 18 piercings in both ears and face. I don't wear high heells, nor "normal" clothes, I wear black clothes most of the time. Therefore, I understand all of them sometimes give me weird looks, but I don't really care!! Instead, I feel proud of being different and I walk among them with my head up and very secure of myself. I like that feeling.

Then the question is, why can't I socialize??? I was thinking all the time during the event about my "homework" of analizing my thoughts when I don't want anything to do with people, and this time I did pay attention to my thoughts. I can say, then, that I'm not scared of them, that i definitely don't fear they could critizice me, that I don't care if they talk about me, and I don't think they can hurt me in any way. But then, what is it that I feel??



I'd say I just want them away  from me. I don't like them, I find them kind of stupid and ridiculous, and I don't want to mix with them. I want them not to invade my space. I don't need to talk to anybody to be happy anywhere. I'm happy with my own thoughts. I don't need them.



I wonder if that's the answer my therapyst needed. I guess I'll find out on Wednesday. In the meantime, I'm going on vacations!!! yeiiiii !!! We are going camping, the kids and my lion king, and I hope we have a great time. I'll be back on Wednesday =D



Thursday, May 10, 2012

The most painful stuff

so yes, it was mother's day and yes, I did have a good time, but not everything around is that great.

When I moved back here, I started therapy, I was a total mess back then; so insecure, so quiet, my relatioship with my parents was terrible, etc. And little by little we have been working on all those things and my life has been getting better and better. My mom and I get along much better, I've learnt a lot of things I have to do to raise my child, and some others I don't have to do, I've learnt to forgive some people, I've learnt to not take everything personal, etc. To make it shorter, I have learnt a healthier way of thinking and thus, my life has become healthier too. But we have come to a point in which all the things that are, to a certain point, superficial, have been fixed, the last two sessions were like "mmmmm I don't have anything else to say" and now, if I really want to be much better, I have to start talking and working on the most painful stuff.

I know I have to talk about "that" thing I can`t even mention, I know, cause otherwise, my sexual life won't be healthy, I have to talk about that "animal" thing, other subject I can't mention either, I have to talk about my reluctance to have anything to do with people too. I don`t know if I'm ready to go deeper, or, to be honest, I don't want to go deeper, I don't want to talk about those things, I don't want to be pushed to do things I don't want to do. I know I'm not functional yet, I depend a lot on my lion king, if it wasn't for him I wouldn't be even leaving home yet. But somehow, I've come to a comfortable place and I don't want to be pushed out of it =(




So I was planning to hide a little longer, to keep saying I was fine, but then she caught me!! I told her I so wanted a job now, and we mentioned how difficult it was to freelance, and then she said "Why don't you try to teach English in a school??" and i was like



NOOOO!!! Because there are people there!!!! and of course she wanted to talk about it. So now my new homework is to identify the thoughts I have when I don't want to interact with people.

Do I get scared??
Do I think they are going to hurt me?
Do I think they might critizice me?

For now I just know I want people away from me and I don't want anything to do with people, but why is that?? Now I have to figure that out....what a bummer =S


Mother's day

So today was mother's day... we did nothing really special, cause we don´t like going out to very crowded restaruants and theaters and movie theaters. So we stayed home, ordered some pizza, and watched some movies. Later at night, my lion king came to visit me before leaving to work =D It was a great surprise to see him, cause we thought he wouldn't have the time to come.

I gave my mom a nice flower arrangement, and my dad gave her some stuff for their new house. I got from my parents some money and from my son a greeting card made by him =)

It was a nice day after all =)


Tuesday, May 8, 2012

A new beginning

So my soul is back in my body =) Things turned out to be just as I wanted, even though I really thought they wouldn't. This lady didn't point at him about the cymbals, and they weren't where we thought he could have brought them, so my confidence is back. I can look at him and fall in love with his smile once again. I can touch him and feel so safe. I can kiss him and feel I'm in heaven. I can think of him and wear a grin while I make plans for a future together. I can say I love you back, cause I really do, I really feel that way.



It's been  a year since we started dating, since our first kiss in BerlĂ­n, and lots of things have happened. Some of them amazing, some others really painful, but the most important thing is that we are still together, we still love each other and things are getting even better.

I can plan our anniversary vacations now!!!!! yeeeeiii!!! =D I'm so excited n___n and I also want to start translating stuff now, I have to check that pay pal thing to get started as soon as possible. I'm feeling great and the funny thing is that I haven't had this one med, which reminds me I have several doctors to visit =O










Oh, by the way, if fools laugh, and the wise remain silent... what should we call those who send online indirect messages??   mmmmm, just wondering!!!