Back

 So, after nine years of no activity, I'm back.

I´ve been interacting with a lot of people trough Facebook, and I've been writing a lot about me and my experiences, and lots of people have told me to write a blog. But I already have one.... So I tought I'd boost it up and use it again, but then I read it..... No, definitely there are some things I can't share with people I know, I'm nor ready to be "that" open and transparent to people.

So, I'm opening a new blog, a funnier one, and leave this one for all those dark, sometimes, very dark thoughts, and feelings, and actions. I'm on meds now though, so I'm feeling much better now, for years, actually.  I just realized I don't really remember how it is to feel like I used to feel. 

Holy meds....

Dear Ex,

Every now and then, I still check your blog. Why? Because I'm a curious person, because I can, and because I want to. I see you are very happy and I'm glad. I see you are as boring as you were before or even worse, and that kind of amuses me. Ironic huh??? But I also see you keep writing about me, which makes you more of a looser. 

Let me tell you something, I did not do anything wrong to you, even if you keep trying to believe that, only because you think it will minimize the fact that you were flirting and dating another woman before endind your relationship with me. I wasn't the perfect girlfriend, I know, I kept you away and I avoided you as much as I could, but that is the only thing I did, those other things you say are only inventions of your creepy little ugly head. 

Take this advice from me, before you keep longing for karma to come and do its job on me, you should think about how much bad karma you generated by cheating. You should just live your life and let me live mine, be happy and let me be happy, because I am, even if you expect me to be miserable. Who's the bad person now?? Just think about this, if you keep writing about me, you will only make others thing you aren't really over me and that your pride is still very hurt. Is it really worth it?? 

IQ my enemy

I'm not a genius, but i've scored very high in 3 iq tests i've taken during my life. I'm not telling how high, it's not important.

According to my mom, i started speaking at the age of 10 months and about 3 months later you could have a  complete conversation with me. People would think I was some kind of a midget or something weird. When I was a year and a half I could read and when I was 8 I taught a 4 year old cousin how to read.

Everybody noticed I was able to do uncommon things, and my parents found a school for high iq children, but they decided it was better for me to stay with my family and be raised as a normal child.

Was it the right decision?? I don't think so. For years I grew up as any other child, being first at school, having friends, being happy, but by the age of 13 I started noticing people would not see what was obvious for me, and over the years it got worse and worse. It is so frustrating to to be able to clearly understand or see something but not being able to share it or even worse, not being able to make yourself understood and having others staring at you with question mark faces, as if you were using a different language.

I can imagine that, with the proper education, a gifted person can use all their abilities for special purposes and be and feel useful, but if you were raised as average not being average, you just end up feeling lost, misunderstood, and frustrated.

There's this Dr. House episode about this high IQ man who poisoned himself for years with some medicine just because it would slow his mind down and make him act and think as a normal person. It was then when he could fall in love, get married, get an average job and have a happily normal life. Until he almost died, of course.  Well, years before I saw this episode, I tried to do the same. Somehow I came with the idea that my brain was more of an obstacle for achieving happiness and being able to truly connect with people, and I decided to kill my brain cells. So I used all kind of substances but I think it only worked for doing stupid things and taking bad decisions and making my life even more difficult, cause IQ stayed the same.

I wish it had worked..... I would be able to talk to people without finding all of the tremendous logic mistakes they all make and thus, I would enjoy chatting, I wouldn't feel like killing my boyfriend when he tries to argue with me, I would not be a nightmare for my parents. I woulnd't feel like an alien in this world, wasting a lot of talent, doing nothing. I wouldn't feel just lost in life.

I feel sorry for those with higher IQ's and improper education....

I miss my meds!!!

I've been very distracted for the past few weeks. I haven't written anything here, sometimes, cause I had nothing to say, some other times, cause I had no time.

I haven't taken my meds for about 4 or 5 months, and I'm starting to feel the effects. I can't sleep at night, I get really mad easily, I yell to much, I have lots of energy and I feel like biting people.

I'm about to move with my boyfriend and we are looking for the best apartment to live, it's been hard cause we need a place to rehearse with the band too, and we can't afford both!! so we need both places in one. 

I realized it takes a little sadness to write hahaha, and since i'm going through a manic episode, I don't feel like writing. its just the ideas don't come out. I just can think of something i must say in Spanish, something I've been wanting to tell my ex bf, to correct some stupid mistake he makes a lot. somethng he says awfully wrong. So, I'm sorry if someone doesn't understand it, I just want him and his friends to read it, and it goes:

El dragón no PATEA con la cola!!! el dragón GOLPEA con la cola!!! sólo se puede patear con las patas!!! no ves la raíz de la palabra?? hay que leer más!!!!

Ok, sorry about that, it just makes sense in Spanish. Now, back to English, I'm off to bed, I'll try to get some sleep =D

A new baby

I have a cousin, she started dating this guy late February and got pregnant 3 months ago. They started fighting a lot and they have broken up like a thousand times, they are going through a crisis in their relationship and in their lives.

So this cousin had been thinking over if she should keep the baby or have an abortion. She decided to get the abortion many times, then changed her mind.

So my mom asked me today to take my cousin to the doctor tomorrow, cause she was definitely decided to get the procedure in the morning, she (my mom) even took me to the clinic so I could drive there tomorrow. On our way to the clinic, I thought it would be nice to adopt my cousin's baby. My son wants a sibling, I wouldn't mind having another kid, especially if I don't have to get pregnant again.

So I called my Lion King and told him what I was thinking about, and he decided to support me and he was willing to do this cause he didn't want the baby to die, I was so surprised, now I love him even more, I knew he was a good person =)

But just when I was getting excited about having another baby, I talked to my cousin and guess what... yes, she changed her mind again, she's not having the abortion and she's keeping the baby. I told her about my plans and she is going to think about it, but lets face it, even if she gave me her kid, she would someday want it back, and that would be terrible for everybody.

Anyway, now I have the idea and maybe, in the near future I'll try to adopt a baby, it could be nice =)

Paco Amezcua, my high school "friend"

So I sat here today and thought "what will I write about today??" And then this face came to my mind.

I was just 15 years old. I had just entered high school and I was having a hard time adapting to all those changes.  I was too shy, too quiet, too naive, too innocent. An overprotective family had left me with no weapons to fight mean people in the world.

So I had this group of friends, and there was this guy named Paco Amezcua. After a few weeks of school, he started dating tall and very skinny Ileana. We all knew about that relationship.

Anyway, by that time, I had been trying unsuccessfully to finish Mario Bros. 3 for weeks, and this guy told me he had a guide to it. So he came over, we played for hours and we did finish the game. I was very excited about it =D. So it got late, he had to go, and I walked him to the door, and suddenly, he jumped in front of me and kissed me. I froze. I had never kissed anybody before, and that wasn't exactly what I had dreamt. He was a froggish ugly guy, who happened to be my friend's boyfriend, no, it wasn't the kiss of my dreams. But as I already said, back then I was so insecure and shy that I just didn't do anything against him. I couldn't say No, back off! so he kissed me for what it seemed an eternity for me and then he left.

As I had absolutely no experience with that kind of situations, I thought, if he kissed me, it must mean he wants to date me instead from now on. But oh, I was so wrong. That is when I learnt mean can kiss you even if they don't want anything with you, that they sometimes don't care about your feelings. He wanted to keep dating Ileana, which was kind of confusing, but okay. But that first kiss wasn't the only one. During the next couple of weeks he would take me somewhere nearby and kiss me. I was so shy to say no, that I would just freeze there and let him do it, I wouldnt kiss back though, but he didn't seem to care. It was disgusting, it was like some kind of torture to me, but I couldn't do anything to stop that.

This one day, I didn't go home early and I was at school when everybody else had already left. Everybody else but him, who I ran into in an empty hallway. Of course, he started kissing me again, but this time, he did something else, he started touching me. I could feel his hands all over my body and I was really uncomfortable and disgusted. I so wanted that to be over, I wanted him to leave. I prayed for someone to find us so he would stop, but noone came, and I had to stay there until he felt like leaving. I felt so dirty and sad afterwards, I felt used, humiliated, abused in so many ways, and I couldn't tell anybody cause I was so shy, and so quiet, and so insecure, I thought my parents would blame me, or even my friends.

So next time he took me to a park and wanted to start all over, I managed to say "don't, please don't" and he was really surprised, he asked why and I said I didn't want to kiss him anymore. I thought what I was doing would solve all my problems, but oh, i was so wrong. He got that mad that next day at school everybody was mad at me. He had told all of my friends, I had been trying to kiss him and that I had been trying to make him break up with Ileana. They all believed him, all except for one, Midorie.

I never had the chance to tell all of them the truth, or maybe I had it but didn't take it, I don't know. But I lost my friends and my inocence because of him and I hated him so much.

A year later I had him beaten by some friends. While he was there lying on the floor bleeding he looked at me and said "girl you are so sick" and I just laughed at him. A year later we did the same, this other friend wanted to beat him down too, I had no objections whatsoever!!  After that, we would follow him home every now and then just to see his scared face haha. I thought he had paid for what he did, but the truth is that he destroyed me in so many ways. He destroyed my first kiss, my image of men, my self esteem, my friends...

Here's the guy...

Gross right?? 

Music and friends

I've been soooo busy these days, learning new songs, rehearsing for hours, we are playing really soon and we still have pending songs and I've come to a point in which I learn a new song to forget another one =S But music is so great!! I love what I do, even after 4 hours of playing I still love it, and I love playing bass, I mean, I really love it. It's not like all those who ended up playing bass cause there were enough guitar players in the band, or because they couldn't learn to play the guitar, I chose bass since the very moment I heard its sound and I can't imagine myself playing something else.

Anyway, I also saw my therapist. We have been working on that " I don't like people" thing, and I discovered one of the reasons I don't want to make friends or keep friends.

Let's put it this way. What would I tell my old friends when they wanted to catch up on things??  Should I start with the part when I thought I was losing my mind?? or when I knew there was something wrong with me and nobody believed me?? or maybe when I had to go through the most difficult times in my life all alone?? when my marriage failed?? when I started drinking and lived in the AA farm?? when I locked myself home and didn't want to go out anymore?? or maybe with the "boyfriend that stole everything" episode. No, wait, the part of the 3 suicide attempts is way much interesting!!!

See?? talking about myself, my life is so not easy, and not because I have trouble with sharing, but because people don't understand those things, normal people at least. I've tried so many times to share how depressed I've been, and they just answer "oh yes, that happens to everyone"

and no!!! it doesn't happen to everyone!! I'm not talking about  being sad, I'm not talking about feeling like eating a whole box of chocolates and listen to ballads and cry for one night or too, I'm talking about feeling a black hole inside eating your whole being for no damn reason!!! I'm talking about feeling hopeless for over a year!!! I'm talking about getting tired of trying, I'm talking about prefering to die. Even now that I know I'm bipolar, even now that I'm on meds, I feel that way every now and then, and it is still really really difficult to cope with such a great sadness that has no reason to appear cause it comes from the brain, not from something that happened in your life.

People don't understand I'm affraid of going out either!!! It just doesn't make any sense to them and critizice me and think I'm making up excuses and I'm not.

So that's one of the reasons I avoid people, now I have to work on that and find the other reasons. Damn, There's still a loooong way ahead, If it wasn't because I do feel better now I would've already given up. Oh! And there's this brain tumor thing too, but that is another post material.