The book

I got this book as a Christmas present. The courage of healing. a guide for women who survived sexual abuse during childhood. I thought it was my dad's idea for over a year, then my mother told me I had asked for it. Weird thing cause i certainly don't remember doing so. Anyway, it's a good book, a very good one indeed.

In one of the pages it says this book could be really difficult to read because of the reactions it causes, and well, they were sooo right. It has made me feel too many things and I haven't even started the first exercise.

The thing is, I had been feeling great the last few days. No eating compulsively, no depressions, no sadness, no violence nor rage, things were going on pretty good, but then, it's Monday again and during the kid's swimming lessons I always read. So I read. This time, it was about the body, about being conscious of our bodies and "listening" to our body's signals, etc. Sexual abuse survivors commonly lose communication between their bodies and their minds, and yes, I definitely know about that. The thing is that I found myself twisting the lower right corner of the book while reading about eating compulsively, it definitely affected me and now I'm eating compulsively again.

Bananas and cream, that was the first thing I wanted, so I drove everywhere looking for some bananas, but didn't find any. Then I bought a slice of cake and two slices of pie and a coke. So I start eating as if i was going to die tomorrow and then i feel soo guilty. I look at myself in the mirror and I find myself sooo fat. And yes, I know, everybody says I'm not fat, but my brain says something else and that is what matters, the way I feel, the way I see myself, and I see myself fat. Anyway, I'm here now feeling fat, sad and guilty with a lot of bread in my stomach.

Now I'm sitting here, in front of the wrappings of the pies I ate and I think: I survived sexual abuse, I wonder if I can survive the book...

A robot

I feel nothing today. I'm trying to dig into my feelings but I find nothing. No matter how deep i go, I still feel nothing.

My ex boyfriend told me he won't be a part of my life anymore, and I don't feel sad. I feel nothing about it. I think of it and try to find some sadness inside, but i can't. There's nothing in there.

I have to finish my costume cause i'm running out of time, and i feel nothing about it. I think of it, and count the hours i have left and try to find a slight concern inside, but i can't. There's nothing in there.

I was making my glove and I made a mistake so I had to start from the beginning once again, and I feel nothing about it. I think of it and I see the broken pieces of my glove on the bed, and I try to find some frustration inside, but I can't. There's nothing in there.

I talked to my best friend in highschool after 15 years of not hearing from him, and I feel nothing about it!! It made me smile and I thought I was happy, but when I try to find some happiness inside i just can't!! There's nothing in there!!

My son is sleeping so peacefully in my bed, and he looks like an angel, and I feel nothing about it. I try to find some tenderness inside but I can't. There's nothing in there.

I try to write about my feelings, and I can't, and I feel nothing about it. I try to find any feelings inside but I can't. I'm like a robot. As if I was someone else. There's just nothing in there...

Stupid Cats

Adrenaline levels are going down now. My body is still shaky, my heart still beats fast and I'm still hyperventilating. Ill feel better soon.

What happened?? I almost beat a cat to death.

Here's the thing. This stupid cat keeps hissing at us and hurting us with his nails. I hate him. I hate his stupid ugly face, his stupid huge ears, and his stupid voice. It's only 3 months old and i bet it will be dangerous for humans when he grows old. and I hate it.

Why so much hate towards a small animal?? I dont know, I'm sure it means something but i dont know what.

The thing is that i try to get rid of it, i kick him out but hours later i still can hear him scream, cause it doesnt meow, or cry, he screams, as if it was being tortured by 10 humans with needles and knives. So I open the door and its there, but instead of coming in, cause thats what he wanted, wasnt it? thats why it was making so much noise, isnt it? instead, it walks backwards, and hisses, and makes threatening noises. So I want to kick him as far as I can with my super big boot but instead, i grab him by the neck to bring it in, but what do I get? scratches. scratches and bites and more hissing!!!!

Then everything goes like a slow motion movie. I put my hand around the neck, and then close it, more and more, then it starts making these noises with its throat and I so like it. no more hissing, no more nails, no more bites. just choking noises and nothing more. nice =). but i have to let it go or i'll kill him, and i dont want to do it, or do I? so I slam him onto the floor and i expect it to run away, but it doesnt move. guess i really hurt him. he cant walk, he crawls behind the washing machine and i should leave him there, but i so hate it that i grab a mop and start hitting as hard as i can till it goes out.

My heart beats so fast, my hands shake, I feel both great and awful, Im cruel but he deserves it. you'll suffer stupid little creature, youll regreat you dared to hiss at me and put your nails on me. I have to stop, theres blood around its snout, it smells like shit, and theres piss all over the place. so i go back in and try to calm down. I'm breathing fast. but i still have to go out to hang the clothes to dry.

Im hanging the clothes and i hear the cat crying, now he is crying, there's fear, there's pain, there's suffering and I so like it, I want to hear that again, so i start chasing it with the mop, kicking it when i can, then Thirty Two comes, oops! his mom is here and i don t want her to see this, so i leave him alone, but he still cries. Im about to go when i see him hidden behind the dog house, staring at me, frightful, sad.

Awww poor little thing, who hurt you??? Come here boy, dont cry, Ill pet you and make you feel better, but dont you dare to do something wrong or we'll start again. Easy there, easy... shhhhh, shhhhh, shhhhhh ....

Now that i feel better i can see clearly the problem is that cat doesnt love me, doesnt respect me and i cant cope with rejection. He doesnt like me and i want him to pay for it.

I told Tommy love is the real problem.

It has always been.