Paco Amezcua, my high school "friend"

So I sat here today and thought "what will I write about today??" And then this face came to my mind.

I was just 15 years old. I had just entered high school and I was having a hard time adapting to all those changes.  I was too shy, too quiet, too naive, too innocent. An overprotective family had left me with no weapons to fight mean people in the world.

So I had this group of friends, and there was this guy named Paco Amezcua. After a few weeks of school, he started dating tall and very skinny Ileana. We all knew about that relationship.

Anyway, by that time, I had been trying unsuccessfully to finish Mario Bros. 3 for weeks, and this guy told me he had a guide to it. So he came over, we played for hours and we did finish the game. I was very excited about it =D. So it got late, he had to go, and I walked him to the door, and suddenly, he jumped in front of me and kissed me. I froze. I had never kissed anybody before, and that wasn't exactly what I had dreamt. He was a froggish ugly guy, who happened to be my friend's boyfriend, no, it wasn't the kiss of my dreams. But as I already said, back then I was so insecure and shy that I just didn't do anything against him. I couldn't say No, back off! so he kissed me for what it seemed an eternity for me and then he left.

As I had absolutely no experience with that kind of situations, I thought, if he kissed me, it must mean he wants to date me instead from now on. But oh, I was so wrong. That is when I learnt mean can kiss you even if they don't want anything with you, that they sometimes don't care about your feelings. He wanted to keep dating Ileana, which was kind of confusing, but okay. But that first kiss wasn't the only one. During the next couple of weeks he would take me somewhere nearby and kiss me. I was so shy to say no, that I would just freeze there and let him do it, I wouldnt kiss back though, but he didn't seem to care. It was disgusting, it was like some kind of torture to me, but I couldn't do anything to stop that.

This one day, I didn't go home early and I was at school when everybody else had already left. Everybody else but him, who I ran into in an empty hallway. Of course, he started kissing me again, but this time, he did something else, he started touching me. I could feel his hands all over my body and I was really uncomfortable and disgusted. I so wanted that to be over, I wanted him to leave. I prayed for someone to find us so he would stop, but noone came, and I had to stay there until he felt like leaving. I felt so dirty and sad afterwards, I felt used, humiliated, abused in so many ways, and I couldn't tell anybody cause I was so shy, and so quiet, and so insecure, I thought my parents would blame me, or even my friends.

So next time he took me to a park and wanted to start all over, I managed to say "don't, please don't" and he was really surprised, he asked why and I said I didn't want to kiss him anymore. I thought what I was doing would solve all my problems, but oh, i was so wrong. He got that mad that next day at school everybody was mad at me. He had told all of my friends, I had been trying to kiss him and that I had been trying to make him break up with Ileana. They all believed him, all except for one, Midorie.

I never had the chance to tell all of them the truth, or maybe I had it but didn't take it, I don't know. But I lost my friends and my inocence because of him and I hated him so much.

A year later I had him beaten by some friends. While he was there lying on the floor bleeding he looked at me and said "girl you are so sick" and I just laughed at him. A year later we did the same, this other friend wanted to beat him down too, I had no objections whatsoever!!  After that, we would follow him home every now and then just to see his scared face haha. I thought he had paid for what he did, but the truth is that he destroyed me in so many ways. He destroyed my first kiss, my image of men, my self esteem, my friends...

Here's the guy...

Gross right?? 

Music and friends

I've been soooo busy these days, learning new songs, rehearsing for hours, we are playing really soon and we still have pending songs and I've come to a point in which I learn a new song to forget another one =S But music is so great!! I love what I do, even after 4 hours of playing I still love it, and I love playing bass, I mean, I really love it. It's not like all those who ended up playing bass cause there were enough guitar players in the band, or because they couldn't learn to play the guitar, I chose bass since the very moment I heard its sound and I can't imagine myself playing something else.

Anyway, I also saw my therapist. We have been working on that " I don't like people" thing, and I discovered one of the reasons I don't want to make friends or keep friends.

Let's put it this way. What would I tell my old friends when they wanted to catch up on things??  Should I start with the part when I thought I was losing my mind?? or when I knew there was something wrong with me and nobody believed me?? or maybe when I had to go through the most difficult times in my life all alone?? when my marriage failed?? when I started drinking and lived in the AA farm?? when I locked myself home and didn't want to go out anymore?? or maybe with the "boyfriend that stole everything" episode. No, wait, the part of the 3 suicide attempts is way much interesting!!!

See?? talking about myself, my life is so not easy, and not because I have trouble with sharing, but because people don't understand those things, normal people at least. I've tried so many times to share how depressed I've been, and they just answer "oh yes, that happens to everyone"

and no!!! it doesn't happen to everyone!! I'm not talking about  being sad, I'm not talking about feeling like eating a whole box of chocolates and listen to ballads and cry for one night or too, I'm talking about feeling a black hole inside eating your whole being for no damn reason!!! I'm talking about feeling hopeless for over a year!!! I'm talking about getting tired of trying, I'm talking about prefering to die. Even now that I know I'm bipolar, even now that I'm on meds, I feel that way every now and then, and it is still really really difficult to cope with such a great sadness that has no reason to appear cause it comes from the brain, not from something that happened in your life.

People don't understand I'm affraid of going out either!!! It just doesn't make any sense to them and critizice me and think I'm making up excuses and I'm not.

So that's one of the reasons I avoid people, now I have to work on that and find the other reasons. Damn, There's still a loooong way ahead, If it wasn't because I do feel better now I would've already given up. Oh! And there's this brain tumor thing too, but that is another post material.