Emptiness

Nothing.

Just overwhealming emptiness I feel. I'm not exactly sad, it's more like standing before a hole.

Darkness, silence, a deep hollow space within my soul. I look inside, there's no motivation, no purpose, and no reason why. No questions, and no answers. There's just this big something that makes everything look pointless, useless, and absurd. Just that little voice that keeps telling me to stop trying, to give up, but I'm even too numb to listen to it.

The rain falls outside. The numbers in the clock keep changing. I stare at nothing waiting for the whole world to disappear before my eyes, and then find myself surounded by nothing, outside, just as I feel inside.

Fear

Being online all day long helps me get myself disconnected from this world. it keeps my mind busy and away from reality. There is where I want to be, away, very far away from here, cause it hurts here, it really hurts.

Pain, I don't like pain. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I've felt so much pain this far, and it seems it won't end soon.

I know I can't turn my back on reality forever, but I wish I could, I know I have to face what I feel but I don't want to. I'm afraid of feeling.

I can't say what he did to me. whenever i try to say the word, I stop talking. Whenever I try to write the word, I delete the letters and type something else. Whenever I try to think of it, I think of something else. If I can't even say it, how am I supposed to cope with it? I fear what can happen to me, what if I get too depressed again? what if I cut my arm again? what if I lose my stability? I'm afraid, I need help, I don't think I can do this alone.